[BGB] The Battle of Trafalgar in 2007

[DSeanBarnett at aol.com]

Enjoy
 
Sean 
_dseanbarnett at aol.com_ (mailto:dseanbarnett at aol.com) 
 
Picture this, if you will: 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."  

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir." 

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I  dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of 
this?" 

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"  

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her  
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or  
disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?" 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm  afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities 
employer now. We had the devil's own  job getting 'England' past the censors, lest 
it be considered racist."  

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." 

Hardy:  "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free 
working  environments.Ha

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.  Let us splice the 
mainbrace to steel the men before battle." 

Hardy: "The  rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the 
Government's policy on  binge drinking." 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get  on with it 
........... full speed ahead." 

Hardy: "I think you'll find  that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this 
stretch of water." 

Nelson:  "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in 
history. We must  advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please." 

Hardy:  "That won't be possible, sir." 

Nelson: "What?" 

Hardy: "Health  and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and 
they said that rope  ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up 
there until a proper  scaffolding can be erected." 

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter  without delay, Hardy." 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access  to the foredeck Admiral." 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard  anything so absurd." 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to  provide a barrier-free 
environment for the differently abled." 

Nelson:  "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even 
to hear  mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing 
the  disability card." 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is  under represented in the 
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."  

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."  

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let  the 
crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing  
in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" 

Nelson: "I've never  heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men 
to stand by to engage  the enemy." 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,  Admiral." 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" 

Hardy: "It's not that,  sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged 
with murder if they actually  kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid 
lawyers on board, watching everyone  like hawks." 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the  Spanish?" 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." 

Nelson: "We're  not?" 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European  partners now. 
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in  this stretch 
of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.Har 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."  

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying  
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report." 

Nelson: "You must  consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." 

Hardy: "Not  any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. 
Now put on your  Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life" 

Nelson: "Don't  tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy 
and the lash?"  

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on  
corporal punishment." 

Nelson: "What about sodomy?" 

Hardy: "I  believe that is now legal, sir." 

Nelson: "In that  case........Nelson: "Nelson: "Nelson: "In that  case. 




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