[BGB] FW: Airline Humor

Wed Aug 2 12:21:36 EDT 2006

For those of you who have flown frequently :-)


>From: "Gregg Belevick" <gbelevick at blueriver-systems.com>
>Reply-To: <gbelevick at blueriver-systems.com>
>To: <gbelevick at hotmail.com>
>Subject: FW: Airline Humor
>Date: Wed, 2 Aug 2006 09:42:51 -0400
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>   _____
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>From: Steven Rubinstein [mailto:srubinstein at blueriver-systems.com]
>Sent: Wednesday, August 02, 2006 9:37 AM
>To: gbelevick at blueriver-systems.com; 'Kevin Hebert'
>Subject: Airline Humor
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>All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in
>flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
>Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>
>  1.   On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned
>seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently
>having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
>"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and
>get in it!"
>
>2.   On a Continental Flight with a very "senior"
>flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
>reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
>This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
>attendants."
>
>
>  3.   On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure
>to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
>please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
>
>
>   4.   "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
>there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
>
>5.   "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
>hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
>you for a ride."
>
>6.    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
>Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
>"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>7.    After a particularly rough landing during
>thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
>announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
>because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
>shifted."
>
>8.    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome
>aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt,
>insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
>like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
>one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
>9.    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
>pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
>the mask, and pull it over your face.
>If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
>assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
>child, pick your favorite."
>
>10.    "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
>some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we
>arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
>more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>11.    "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
>and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to
>shore and take them with our compliments."
>
>12.    "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
>of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
>among the flight attendants.
>Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
>13.     And from the pilot during his welcome message:
>"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
>in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
>14.    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very
>hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
>intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
>thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
>wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it
>was the asphalt."
>
>15.    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
>Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
>day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to
>fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
>"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
>seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
>left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>16.    Another flight attendant's comment on a less
>than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
>Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
>
>17.     An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
>flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
>airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
>door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
>flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he
>had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
>someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
>except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sir, do
>you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
>"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
>down?"
>
>18.    After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
>the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
>your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
>to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
>cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
>you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
>19.    Part of a flight attendant's arrival
>announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
>And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
>skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US
>Airways."
>
>20.    Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies
>and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
>airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
>21.    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
>After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
>announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your
>captain speaking.
>Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
>The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
>uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence
>followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
>intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
>you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
>accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
>the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
>You should see the back of mine!"
>
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>=========================================
>
>Steven J. Rubinstein
>
>Blue River Systems
>
>Office - 508-791-1180 x 203
>
>Cell - 508-612-8422
>
>
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>http://www.blueriver-systems.com
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